20 Things I Know About African Lions ‘Cause They’re Freakin’ Awesome

Lions, dude—these cats are the real kings, no crown needed. I’ve been hooked on ‘em since I saw one yawn on TV and scare the crap outta me. Here’s 20 things I’ve picked up about ‘em, straight from my brain to you, no fancy crap.

1. They’re Huge, Man
   Guys tip the scales at like 400 pounds—chicks closer to 280. Either way, you’re not winning that wrestle.
2. Africa’s Their Playground
   Down south of the Sahara—Kenya, Tanzania, that kinda spot. Savanna’s their kingdom, grass and all.
3. Pride’s Their Crew
   They roll deep—20, 30, sometimes 40 in a gang. Ladies, kids, a couple of hairy dudes running it.
4. Mane’s the Man Card
   Only the fellas got that shaggy neck rug. Darker it is, older and meaner he’s been around.
5. Roar’ll Wake the Dead
   One bellow goes miles—five, easy. You hear that, you know who’s in charge.
6. Lazy Bastards
   Snooze 20 hours a day. Hunt, stuff their face, crash out. Why move if you’re king?
7. Girls Get the Grub
   Lionesses hunt—team up, take down zebras, whatever’s slow. Dudes just swagger up for leftovers.
8. Meat or Bust
   All carnivore, all day—antelope, buffalo, even a giraffe if they’re starving. Big haul feeds the squad.
9. Cubs Got It Rough
   Half don’t make it—eaten, starved, or whacked by some jerk lion. Cute don’t mean safe.
10. New Guy’s a Dick
    Fresh male takes over? Might kill the old cubs. Keeps his bloodline winning. Cold as hell.
11. Fast but Not Forever
    Hit 50 mph if they gun it—short burst, though. They’re sprinters, not marathoners.
12. Night’s Their Time
    Dark’s when they shine—eyes glowing, sneaking up. Day’s for napping in the shade.
13. Teeth Like Hammers
    One chomp snaps a spine. Claws rip, jaws crush—prey’s done quick.
14. Party Animals
    Only cats that hang in packs. Tigers? Solo. Lions? They’re the frat house.
15. Don’t Last Long
    Wild dudes get 10, maybe 14 years. Girls a bit more. Zoo’s a cushy 20, but that’s cheating.
16. Own Their Dirt
    Pride claims a chunk—50, 100 square miles. Pee on it, roar it out—trespassers get smashed.
17. Mane Takes Hits
    That fluffy neck? Blocks some punches when they brawl. Tough and stylish.
18. They’re Fading Out
    Used to rule Africa—now maybe 20,000 left. People, farms, guns—it’s a shit deal for ‘em.
19. Tail’s a Twitcher
    Little tuft on the end—cubs chew it, but it flicks when they’re mad or ready to jump.
20. Eat Like Pigs
    Snarling, growling, tearing into a kill—whole pride digs in, no manners, just chaos.

Why They’re the Shit

Lions ain’t just beasts—they’re the damn vibe. Roaring loud, ruling hard, living raw. Sucks they’re disappearing—makes you wanna fight for ‘em. That’s my 20, take it or leave it.